So now you have to let your baby fly...
Mama, there's no way you'll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye”
—“Mama,” Carrie Underwood
|Daycare crafty gifts from Luc, and flowers from a friend to commemorate Thi|
These days, I distract myself from the pain. I feel too much, followed by the numbness of nothing. I keep busy, but I also catch myself staring into space. I remember to savor the taste of my favorite foods, and then I have no appetite. I sleep entirely too much, or I’d be wide awake in the dead of the night, anxiety causing my heart to pound as my thoughts flutter back to the night of your birth, contractions tightening my body, the awful knowledge that you would soon be expelled from me, already dead. I ride the ups and downs of life, the very gift that was so suddenly ripped from you.
Today, I once again think about what this holiday means to different people. The children of mothers. The mothers with children. Those who yearn to be mothers, like once upon a time when I struggled against a childless fate. And then your brother Luc came into my life and made me a mommy. For that, I’ll always be grateful. I plunged headlong into this role, and I would not give it up for anything.
I live in a duality of worlds; I strive to be present for the living, but often, my thoughts stray to the dead.
|Mother's Day Dinner at Strait's|
For the past 2.5 years, I learned how to be a mother to a child. But now I also know what it is like to be a mother without one.
|We left fresh roses at your gravesite today to honor you|