How Could an Angel Break My Heart

How could an angel break my heart
Why didn't she catch my falling star
I wish I didn't wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart

--"How Could an Angel Break My Heart," Declan Galbraith

Dear Thi,

Exactly one year ago, on one of the coldest nights of the year a little past the winter solstice, I was in the hospital to deliver you, numb from mental and emotional shock after hearing that you had passed. Sometimes I wonder how I survived the last year; so many of those days were spent in a perpetual state of grief and darkness. So many of those days keeping up a front at work, in front of family, to the world. After a while, people think you must be okay. They think you've surpassed the trauma and are easily yourself again. They forget.

This month brought on the holidays that passed by last year in a blur. On this night of all nights, I think of you, dear Thi. Just a week ago, you had come to visit me, cloaked in fog as you always do. The stark, barren trees stand against a backdrop of a cloud veil, and I know that you are near.

You've come to join us for the holidays. I know you are often by our side, even if you don't always make your presence known. Every room in the house contains tributes to you.

You grace our tree this year, too, your commemorative ornament hung next to your brother's hand-decorated ones from daycare.

On Christmas Eve, Daddy had to go to work. When he left in the morning, Luc cried, not wanting him to go off. Daddy cut the day short to visit you, sweet girl. As he left, rain dotted the windshield of the car, as if you were crying as well, watching him drive away from you.

We went together to visit you today. We decorated your grave with fresh flowers for your birthday.

My dear girl, not a day goes by in the last year where I hadn't thought about you and wondered what you would have been. You've left an etching so permanently on my heart, and I miss you dearly. It was a hard year to trudge through, but you taught me so much courage and a fair amount of patience and grace. You remind me to be grateful for all the positive things in life, for in an instant all your hopes and dreams could be taken away without a whim or reason.

Winter comes upon us once again, dear Thi, as reminded by the monument in the seasonal garden where we buried you. Winter, with all its trials and bitter winds that we must endure before we can once again see the hopeful buds of spring. Tonight, I imagine rocking you to sleep in my arms as I sing the last lullaby I sang to you on the night you were born. Sleep tight, my angel baby, and happy birthday.