When She Loved Me

Through the summer and the fall
We had each other that was all
Just she and I together
Like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me

“When She Loved Me,” Sarah McLachlan

Out of habit, I kept eating as though I was still pregnant. I stayed away from sushi and cold cuts, opted out of pate and Vietnamese mayo, made with raw eggs, on my sandwiches. I mindlessly lathered  lavender body oil on my stomach and breasts after my shower as if still trying to prevent stretch marks.

Being so careful about food before taps into my “anger” stage of grief; it’s so ironic how I tried everything I could to be “good” and protect my baby, abstaining from food that some women don’t consider a big deal to ingest while pregnant, reading the ingredients on self-care products such as lotions, face creams, and shampoos. And all of it is to no avail. As awareness crept in, along with the acceptance that I was no longer pregnant, I allowed myself to and enjoy some sunny-side-up runny eggs, decaf coffee, and a sandwich with pate. I went to lunch by myself during my maternity leave and ordered a rainbow roll from one of my favorite sushi restaurants. I started pouring wine to sip with dinner. I know, I’m very much living on the edge.

I could never forget how hard it was to take that first step off the ultrasound table the day I found out Thi had died. Since then, every step has been a hard one. I kept dreading the next steps: the pain of labor, the anguish of researching funeral homes, the heartbreak of having to speak and show my grief in public at her memorial service. I was navigating a terrain in which I had no experience. People offered to help me do these things. But I couldn’t hold my little girl, nurse her daily, stay up with her nightly. I couldn’t do anything more for her but to put my heart into these details and see her off. All these hard things, I do out of love.

And now I see. It was as if my previous blindness from an oblivion of ignorance suddenly granted me sight beyond sight. I started seeing the mothers who grieve for their dead babies, the fathers who trudge onward at their jobs with an emptiness in their souls. I know their pain and see them in their loneliest hours—how they stare into the void. How they struggle to find strength to get up and keep moving through a life that has dealt them such a cruelty.

 A loss at 5 weeks, 5 months, 1 day...it doesn’t matter. Even if they didn’t look fully formed yet, these babies leave an indelible impression on our hearts.