I take a moment to reflect on my journey. We have
been struggling with infertility due to PCOS and anovulatory cycles for 18
months and started trying to treat it with Eastern medicine, acupuncture, and
herbal teas. In 2015, we switched to Western treatment with Clomid and
Letrozole. Both worked to trigger monthly ovulation, but Clomid thinned out my
lining, so I was switched to Letrozole 2.5mg. We had 3 failed IUIs with a trigger
shot. We then were referred to an RE and, while waiting for the initial
consultation appointment, decided to do just Letrozole. We had a blast during
our “break cycle” in Las Vegas, came back to meet with the RE, and were given
instructions on how to proceed with the last 2 IUIs we are willing to do. I
also booked an appointment with an IVF clinic for early December.
Two weeks after the Vegas trip, on May 18th 2015, I decide to take
another Home Pregnancy Test.
The moment you peek at the HPT and see the double
lines for the first time is surreal. You scramble for a second, digital test
and dip that one in your urine cup as well for validation.
After having
struggled for almost 2 years, I am prepared to take the next steps in ART and
never think a natural pregnancy can happen to me. My body can't decide
between laughing or crying, and I want to tell my husband right away, but maybe
something a little more romantic than waving a pee stick and possibly flinging
urine on his face. I play it cool until he goes to work, then quickly drag out
my Stampin' Up paper-crafting supplies to make him a card. My husband is really
into cars and owns a coupe, and the ongoing discussion/inside joke we've been
having ever since TTC is what car he'd have to trade in his for once kids come
along. On the inside of the card I made for him, I add a picture of a green
Subaru Forester that I printed out, and I write, "Hi, Honey! Your next car
is finally official...CONGRATS, Daddy!"
I give him the card that evening. He'd usually
feign great interest in my cards, pat me on the head, and say, "That's
very cute, Honey," to indulge my hobby. I watch his face the whole time;
he smiles at the car picture, reads the text, and exclaims, "Oooooh? Yeah?
YEAH??!" When we first started talking TTC, I was more fully onboard than
he was; after watching me struggle for the past years, he keeps telling me he'd
be ok if we do or don't have children, but watching him with kids, I know
he'd make the best daddy. I expect the news to be met with a little hesitance,
shock, and even trepidation, but the pure joy on his face is indescribable. I
catch him slipping the card out of the envelope to look at again and again.
Fun facts for those into numerology: My birthday is
on November 19th. Since January 2015, my cycles have been regulated
from the fertility meds, and they have all started on the 19th of
the month. If I had been patient and waited one more day to test, I would have
found out I’m pregnant on May 19th, on my 19th BBT chart.
My RE issues an HCG (Beta) test to check whether I am truly pregnant. On
5/18/15 (14DPO) my level is at 476. On 5/20/15 (16DPO) it triples at 1426. They
look for doubling numbers in 48 hours, so this is a very good sign of a sticky
bean. My first ultrasound is scheduled for June 17th 2015 at my
OB’s clinic. I marvel at how nature takes its course—after succumbing to the
strict monitoring of science, I have no idea how many follicles popped out this
cycle, or whether from the left or right, since it basically went unmonitored. I
guess the baby decided to keep a little air of mystery to the conception after
all.
After a long journey, my message to those still fighting
the TTC battle is this: Keep at it. There are days when this journey will feel
like it's going to kill you. During the TWW, you'll go crazy, month after
month, and succumb to everything irrational. You'll eat pineapple core, plug your
nose and chug bitter, "forest floor"-tasting herbal teas, get
diarrhea from the treatment, keep at it some more. When your cycle comes to an
end, you curl into a ball of grief and cry. For my fellow PCOS'ers who feel
like you can't get off first base by diligently tracking your temps and never
seeing ovulation, maybe you welcome the end of your loooong cycle with open
arms, just wanting to be “normal” and for the chance at producing a healthy egg
to try again. You give up alcohol, dairy, sugar, caffeine, rigorous exercise—everything
that makes life worth indulging in and makes you "You." You become
mad at the world, bitter at the sight of babies and pregnant women, and you
want to rip off the heads of anyone who has the audacity to ask you,
"So, when are you getting pregnant?" You go through this nightmare
landscape, only to pick yourself up at each new cycle and try again, hoping
against hope and praying to any entity that'll listen. Keep at it. Be open to
trying new things, but also willing to leave behind things that don't seem to
be working for your particular case. Keep believing, keep your sense of humor,
and keep positive as much as these trials will allow. Take breaks if you need
to, take vacations, hide for a few days. Whether you decide to make this a
personal and private journey or want to solicit the love and support of your
fellow TTC’ers, keep at it. Over the last 19 months, I have met some incredible
women on forums, fighting the same battle. They are warriors, entertainers,
pick-me-upper's, friends. I know how it feels to share this journey with other
women, the elation you get when they finally get pregnant and "sail away
to the horizon" as you're still stuck on land, waiting for your own ship
to dock. I know the emotional conflict of joy you feel for them, and sadness,
depression, and resentment you feel over your own body just not "getting
it." I know, because I've been there, too. The ones that are eventually
met with success are the women who simply do not give up.
These efforts have made me a lot more compassionate
and tolerant—along with the episodes of batshit crazy. If I had conceived right
away without trouble, I wouldn't fully appreciate this elation of triumph after struggling
and be less tuned in to this amazing feeling of life growing inside me. I am thankful
for every new symptom, every new day. The early days of pregnancy gives me
insomnia; I wake with the sun or sometimes at 5AM and am not able to fall back
asleep. My former, selfish self would rant and rave over the sleep I was
missing, but when I wake myself from REM and the memory of reality comes
flooding back to me, I am grateful for each muscle ache, each twinge, each
flutter, and I remember in the pre-dawn hours, "I am pregnant."
My husband is already smitten over the baby. He has
already started talking to the little embryo; he says bye to it when he goes
off to work, checks up on me during the day, and strokes my tummy all the time.
He asks before scarfing down a snack whether I think he should save it for me
and the baby for when I get home from work. The baby definitely has my
husband’s DNA, as I feel compelled to eat every 2 hours. I discover that I love
being pregnant; a long TTC journey has certainly put in perspective how lucky I
am to have made it this far. Before, I knew I wanted kids but always thought of
pregnancy as a slight inconvenience to my mobility, energy level, everyday
routine, and ability to eat or drink anything I wanted. But now, I'm enjoying it and am
ever so thankful to be able to experience all this.
Takeaways:
There is this so-called "Hook Effect" that can happen when you take a
home pregnancy test a little further along in your pregnancy. HCG builds up and
roughly keeps doubling every 48 hours in the first trimester, and then it
levels off after that (though of course it stays in your system if you're still
pregnant). At some point, your HCG readings will be too high for the range of
some HPTs to register (just as it can sometimes not pick up a + very early into
pregnancy due to a minimum threshold, there's a max threshold for the HCG
reading as well). That's why the lines can appear lighter, which is
counter-intuitive if you're further along in your pregnancy and are testing for
peace of mind.
The baby’s heartbeat can be heard by 6 weeks on
trans-vaginal ultrasound and around 8-9 weeks by external Doppler.
