TTC: CHART 10 (7/5/14-8/3/14)

A year has passed since we talked about starting a family, and I have nothing to show for. Months of OPK tracking, choking down Chinese herbal teas, watching my diet, exercising daily, and putting life and activities on hold for seemingly nothing. I wonder if I am wasting precious time with this “gentle” approach of Eastern medicine for my body. I also wonder if I should try more of the homeopathic in hopes that I’ll strike gold with a certain treatment: moxabustion (which involves waving smoked sticks around your belly in the ultimate hippie fix for infertility), soy isoflavones, myo- or D-chiro inositol, Co-Enzyme Q10, red raspberry leaf tea. 

I slip. I binge on In-N-Out burgers, animal-style fries, and Taco Bell. Options that scared me before—starting Western hormone therapy with Clomid pills—start to become alluring. I’ve always prided myself in being competent and strong, and less like a delicate, over-feminine lady, but these feelings of being “less than a woman” are starting to tear me apart. I am able to succeed anywhere else—academics, career, financial stability—but feel like I am failing at the one thing my gender is supposed to be able to do. And my husband—how could he love someone so broken?

Part of me knows that I am lucky; many women try, experience losses such as chemical or ectopic pregnancies, blighted ovums, miscarriages, and stillbirths, only to get back up and try again. Others deal with conditions such as irregularly shaped uteri, only one viable Fallopian tube, endometriosis, fibroids, cysts, diminished ovarian reserve, and multiple surgeries before they could even try again. At work, I am asked to throw or attend showers for the baby boom. I ready the cakes, put together slideshows, set up the surprise Outlook invite to the guests of honor, and smile through the gift-opening ritual of onesies and booties that break my heart. I think of a line from one of my favorite movies, Gattaca, when humans strive to breed for perfect DNA so that congenital diseases are treated as an unfortunate anomaly, and one of the characters has to take daily medicine for her heart: "I'm luckier than most, but not as lucky as some."

I try Nature’s Way Vitex, or chasteberry (Agnus Castus) pills, a natural supplement that is supposed to regulate PCOS cycles, used in history by monks to dampen sexual desire (but supposedly a winner with barren women). 

It is a lot easier and faster than getting an herbal prescription (affectionately dubbed “forest floor”) from the acupuncturist, getting the prescription filled at the herbalist shop, sometimes waiting 45 minutes for my weekly doses to be weighed and put together, soaking and cooking them for 1-2 hours each dose, waiting for them to cool, refrigerating advanced doses if necessary, microwaving to re-warm, and choking down the bitter liquid 2x/day. I stay away from cold and iced water since Eastern medicine's theory is that my PCOS is caused by "dampness," and I have to warm my womb. Not easy in the summer months.

My acupuncturist tells me something interesting: Not too long ago, it was standard practice to cut away up to 90% of a woman's ovaries to treat PCOS! They cut off all the cystic scar tissue, usually on one ovary, so the remaining amount will "flow better" and the other ovary will be driven to kick in. These women still do manage to get pregnant. She says these days, there are so many more advanced, less-invasive treatments than that, and the odds really are in our favor to eventually conceive. Every week I come in, she checks my pulse; sometimes she looks at the color of my tongue and can even gauge if I’m thirsty. Looking at the color helps Eastern doctors see what your body may be trying to express, like a litmus test of any vitamin deficiencies.

Takeaways: It takes roughly 3 months for a man to produce new sperm. Eastern and homeopathic treatments take about as long to produce any results due to how slow-acting they are on the body. Maca Root is an herbal supplement that can be taken by both men and women for energy and egg health. Purple and black Maca are supposedly better quality for men, but more difficult to find. Red Maca is best for female fertility, and gelatinized is best if you experience stomach issues when taking it. Yellow Maca is more readily available.