The hope is fresh at every new cycle, but a part of me always braces for the meltdown. I feel like I've been running cross-country forever and am so very tired. However, I resolve to be a better TTC’er, take back a little of my life, and let go a bit of some of the obsession. I've been running carelessly on the treadmill, eaten what I wanted, and will have some drinks during our vacation to Vegas (while hydrating!) and not feel guilty. I sing along to the radio at the top of my lungs while driving. I'm channeling more focus into work and enjoying my recent, challenging projects. I meet up with my martial arts crew for a reunion lunch. I'm not sure I can commit to going back yet; it's a discipline that's best kept when you can show up and train consistently instead of half-ass it and quit for 2 weeks in the middle of your cycle before you ovulate.
Plans for Vegas:
- Stay at the Vdara, close to the Aria
- Bribe the front desk staff to upgrade our room
- Hit that killer swimming pool and milk the worth of the mandatory “resort fee”
- Catch Jersey Boys
- Caesar's Palace buffet, “Bacchanal”
- Wolfgang Puck’s Spago Italian Restaurant
- Chef Gordon Ramsey's Burgr Restaurant for killer creme brûlée milkshakes
- Wash it all down with a huge strawberry daiquiri filled in an Eiffel Tower jug from Paris
- Shoot an AK-47 or an M4 at a gun range. The disclaimer on the booking websites says, "Not for pregnant women.” Hey, no problem, I am totally the opposite of knocked up in the last 18 months, I'm your ideal customer.
The night we arrive in Vegas, I have crazy night sweats from the desert environment. I wake up to sky-high temperatures the next morning on May 4th (yes, I bring my BBT thermometer along on trips). We are rewarded with cool breezes in the normally blistering city. I do some shopping along The Strip but figure I am getting too old for buffets—I just feel sick afterward and angry that I didn't get my money's worth. Speaking of which, I have been spending money with reckless abandon, and my husband and I aren't gamblers at all, so don't think we won any to justify it. I buy 2 dresses for over $100, and those aren’t even all of the day’s buys! This is what people call “retail therapy,” I suppose.
The vacation beer goggles come off as we return to San Jose on May 7th. I don't expect to be this relaxed coming back from hustling and bustling Las Vegas, but it was a good trip. Surprisingly, I had no desire to drink that much; I never thought I could have such a good trip with so little booze…I feel like I'm on some sort of natural Valium since Vegas and realize how tightly wound I was.
May 10th, Mother’s Day. I have spent 34
years on this earth never knowing what it’s like to be a mother to a little
human. I admire those women who are trying for their second and beyond—with how
challenging it is for our first and timing my fertility window, I am truly
blown away by how they manage to have more than one child while pulling 2.5
hours of sleep. Before TTC, I've had the fortune of celebrating Mother's Day
with my mom, who's still alive and whom I love, but I never thought about the
controversy behind this seemingly well-meaning holiday, how left out people can
feel if they aren't (by choice) or couldn't be moms, or those who have lost
theirs, or those with estranged relationships. I am thankful at least of how
TTC across these past few years has taught me the inner strength it takes not
only to be a mom, but to become one.
On May 12th 2015, I go in for my initial
consultation with the RE. After reviewing my health history, the doctor feels
like we could be getting close with a few more IUIs, given that I've only had 5
consecutive ovulatory cycles since I started fertility meds. I say I'd like to
do no more than 2, which would put us at 5 total IUIs, by which time I'd like
to move on if things don't work out. So we are doing my next cycle with an
upped dose of 5mg of Letrozole in hopes of producing more than 1 egg for a
better chance of fertilization (with my history of poor ovulation, I may still
end up with 1 at the higher dose, and chances of multiples will not be very
high in my case). She also suggests adding on Metformin (the dreaded Met, known to cause spontaneous diarrhea!) to
help with stronger eggs and better, even more predictable ovulation. Met, also prescribed as a diabetes drug, can
take up to 3 cycles to really do anything for your ovulatory patterns. The
starting dose of 500mg is best taken on a full stomach after dinner so you can
sleep off most of the side effects. The RE says if I do well on it, I can
continue taking Met during the months after the 2 last IUIs and possibly even
cut out the Letrozole if my cycles become regulated. She will run a glucose
tolerance test first to determine the best starting Metformin dose for me (this
is the same glucose tolerance test done in pregnancy between 24-28 weeks, when the body starts processing glucose differently) and run a baseline ultrasound
to more closely monitor how well I do on the new protocol. I may need to take a
few more blood tests but am awaiting a meeting with her nurse practitioner, who
will review my recent tests in closer detail and suggest any that have fallen
through the cracks. If that next IUI (#4) doesn't work out, we'll add
gonadotropin injections to IUI #5 to see if that does anything. I also get in
contact with the IVF clinic I've narrowed down and have my initial consultation
set up for December 7th. They may have an appointment slot in
June/July, but I'd like to try those last 2 IUIs and possibly take a break to
do an overseas trip before we plunge into IVF.
Regarding supplements...after assessing my LP length
and temps, the RE agrees with my OB that progesterone suppositories will not be
needed in my case, so it's one less thing to take. I ask about soy isoflavones,
CoQ10, and myo-inositol, three on my list that I'm curious about. She says soy
isoflavones may react with naturally-occuring estrogen in the body, and since
I'm testosterone-dominant, it's not something that she'd recommend for me.
Metformin is supposed to be better for lowering androgens and has more research
backing it. CoQ10 is more for egg quality of patients who are a bit older, also
not a necessity for me right now after she's seen my Follicle Stimulating
Hormone (FSH) numbers. And finally, the myo-inositol would be her best
supplement recommendation for my PCOS, and I can go on that if the Metformin
doesn't end up working out for me as it's supposed to be more natural and gentler,
without stomach-upset side effects. Lots of progress, and onward we go.
At 11DPO, my ovaries are killing me. Must be the side effects of the Letrozole to make them feel so “alive.” I'm hungry and sleepy all the time and excessively thirsty.
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