TTC: CHART 19 (still continued)

I take a moment to reflect on my journey. We have been struggling with infertility due to PCOS and anovulatory cycles for 18 months and started trying to treat it with Eastern medicine, acupuncture, and herbal teas. In 2015, we switched to Western treatment with Clomid and Letrozole. Both worked to trigger monthly ovulation, but Clomid thinned out my lining, so I was switched to Letrozole 2.5mg. We had 3 failed IUIs with a trigger shot. We then were referred to an RE and, while waiting for the initial consultation appointment, decided to do just Letrozole. We had a blast during our “break cycle” in Las Vegas, came back to meet with the RE, and were given instructions on how to proceed with the last 2 IUIs we are willing to do. I also booked an appointment with an IVF clinic for early December.

Two weeks after the Vegas trip, on May 18th 2015, I decide to take another Home Pregnancy Test. 

 The moment you peek at the HPT and see the double lines for the first time is surreal. You scramble for a second, digital test and dip that one in your urine cup as well for validation. 
 

After having struggled for almost 2 years, I am prepared to take the next steps in ART and never think a natural pregnancy can happen to me. My body can't decide between laughing or crying, and I want to tell my husband right away, but maybe something a little more romantic than waving a pee stick and possibly flinging urine on his face. I play it cool until he goes to work, then quickly drag out my Stampin' Up paper-crafting supplies to make him a card. My husband is really into cars and owns a coupe, and the ongoing discussion/inside joke we've been having ever since TTC is what car he'd have to trade in his for once kids come along. On the inside of the card I made for him, I add a picture of a green Subaru Forester that I printed out, and I write, "Hi, Honey! Your next car is finally official...CONGRATS, Daddy!" 

I give him the card that evening. He'd usually feign great interest in my cards, pat me on the head, and say, "That's very cute, Honey," to indulge my hobby. I watch his face the whole time; he smiles at the car picture, reads the text, and exclaims, "Oooooh? Yeah? YEAH??!" When we first started talking TTC, I was more fully onboard than he was; after watching me struggle for the past years, he keeps telling me he'd be ok if we do or don't have children, but watching him with kids, I know he'd make the best daddy. I expect the news to be met with a little hesitance, shock, and even trepidation, but the pure joy on his face is indescribable. I catch him slipping the card out of the envelope to look at again and again.

Fun facts for those into numerology: My birthday is on November 19^th. Since January 2015, my cycles have been regulated from the fertility meds, and they have all started on the 19^th of the month. If I had been patient and waited one more day to test, I would have found out I’m pregnant on May 19^th, on my 19^th BBT chart. 

My RE issues an HCG (Beta) test to check whether I am truly pregnant. On 5/18/15 (14DPO) my level is at 476. On 5/20/15 (16DPO) it triples at 1426. They look for doubling numbers in 48 hours, so this is a very good sign of a sticky bean. My first ultrasound is scheduled for June 17^th 2015 at my OB’s clinic. I marvel at how nature takes its course—after succumbing to the strict monitoring of science, I have no idea how many follicles popped out this cycle, or whether from the left or right, since it basically went unmonitored. I guess the baby decided to keep a little air of mystery to the conception after all.

After a long journey, my message to those still fighting the TTC battle is this: Keep at it. There are days when this journey will feel like it's going to kill you. During the TWW, you'll go crazy, month after month, and succumb to everything irrational. You'll eat pineapple core, plug your nose and chug bitter, "forest floor"-tasting herbal teas, get diarrhea from the treatment, keep at it some more. When your cycle comes to an end, you curl into a ball of grief and cry. For my fellow PCOS'ers who feel like you can't get off first base by diligently tracking your temps and never seeing ovulation, maybe you welcome the end of your loooong cycle with open arms, just wanting to be “normal” and for the chance at producing a healthy egg to try again. You give up alcohol, dairy, sugar, caffeine, rigorous exercise—everything that makes life worth indulging in and makes you "You." You become mad at the world, bitter at the sight of babies and pregnant women, and you want to rip off the heads of anyone who has the audacity to ask you, "So, when are you getting pregnant?" You go through this nightmare landscape, only to pick yourself up at each new cycle and try again, hoping against hope and praying to any entity that'll listen. Keep at it. Be open to trying new things, but also willing to leave behind things that don't seem to be working for your particular case. Keep believing, keep your sense of humor, and keep positive as much as these trials will allow. Take breaks if you need to, take vacations, hide for a few days. Whether you decide to make this a personal and private journey or want to solicit the love and support of your fellow TTC’ers, keep at it. Over the last 19 months, I have met some incredible women on forums, fighting the same battle. They are warriors, entertainers, pick-me-upper's, friends. I know how it feels to share this journey with other women, the elation you get when they finally get pregnant and "sail away to the horizon" as you're still stuck on land, waiting for your own ship to dock. I know the emotional conflict of joy you feel for them, and sadness, depression, and resentment you feel over your own body just not "getting it." I know, because I've been there, too. The ones that are eventually met with success are the women who simply do not give up.

These efforts have made me a lot more compassionate and tolerant—along with the episodes of batshit crazy. If I had conceived right away without trouble, I wouldn't fully appreciate this elation of triumph after struggling and be less tuned in to this amazing feeling of life growing inside me. I am thankful for every new symptom, every new day. The early days of pregnancy gives me insomnia; I wake with the sun or sometimes at 5AM and am not able to fall back asleep. My former, selfish self would rant and rave over the sleep I was missing, but when I wake myself from REM and the memory of reality comes flooding back to me, I am grateful for each muscle ache, each twinge, each flutter, and I remember in the pre-dawn hours, "I am pregnant."

My husband is already smitten over the baby. He has already started talking to the little embryo; he says bye to it when he goes off to work, checks up on me during the day, and strokes my tummy all the time. He asks before scarfing down a snack whether I think he should save it for me and the baby for when I get home from work. The baby definitely has my husband’s DNA, as I feel compelled to eat every 2 hours. I discover that I love being pregnant; a long TTC journey has certainly put in perspective how lucky I am to have made it this far. Before, I knew I wanted kids but always thought of pregnancy as a slight inconvenience to my mobility, energy level, everyday routine, and ability to eat or drink anything I wanted. But now, I'm enjoying it and am ever so thankful to be able to experience all this.

Takeaways: There is this so-called "Hook Effect" that can happen when you take a home pregnancy test a little further along in your pregnancy. HCG builds up and roughly keeps doubling every 48 hours in the first trimester, and then it levels off after that (though of course it stays in your system if you're still pregnant). At some point, your HCG readings will be too high for the range of some HPTs to register (just as it can sometimes not pick up a + very early into pregnancy due to a minimum threshold, there's a max threshold for the HCG reading as well). That's why the lines can appear lighter, which is counter-intuitive if you're further along in your pregnancy and are testing for peace of mind.

The baby’s heartbeat can be heard by 6 weeks on trans-vaginal ultrasound and around 8-9 weeks by external Doppler.